|
[16 Nov 2009|12:27pm] |
There are no psychological repercussions from what I'm doing. Most parts of me are unexplored - this is simply an excavation. An anthropological dig. Research. To delve inside oneself takes courage and fortitude. I am not afraid, anymore. The tarot was right!
For once.
|
|
| hey, guess what? |
[16 Nov 2009|03:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
off the wall | michael jackson |
] |
Attention! Several awesome people have been having birthdays recently, including today. So, to those of you who fall under this category (you ladies know who you are... ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) all_shine_on, bliccy, my BB Kylie and riddledfate, I am CALLING YOU OUT)...
Do I have your attention now? I am currently umemployed and broke, so an LJ post is sadly all I can offer you. So I will do my best to make it as gleeful as possible, it's the least I can do!
( Click the cut for some BIRTHDAY JOY. :D )
You ladies are a pretty awesomely diverse bunch, but I'm hoping I managed to find at least one .gif each that you can enjoy. Apologies if this post takes forever to load, by the way. I'm also hoping the load time will be worth it! Happy birthday, guys! I love you all and hope you had (or will have) great days. <3
(Unrelated: To those of you who know that I covered the X-Files IBG charity event on Saturday, I'm actually not the one handling the flow of the photos this time around; that's all going through IBG over at BigLight, so head over to check them out! I honestly have no idea how many of mine they'll be releasing - I took around 200 I think - and when they'll do so, but I do know a few are already up. To sum up, it was an awesome event, we raised a nice chunk of change for some great charities, and discussing Shamone with a slightly sloshed celspi may have been the highlight of the evening. ;D Of course, seeing all my other lovely fandom friends, especially curls, was wonderful too. Also, Frank was his usual big ball of awesome and cuddly sweetness, and might have surprise-interviewed me on his flipcamera for BigLight and then said something about actually posting it. I sincerely hope he was joking about that. In front of cameras is the absolute last place I belong, which is one of the many reasons why I spend my time cavorting behind one. D:)
|
|
| shit happens |
[16 Nov 2009|12:11am] |
things have been pretty great lately. i had a really wonderful weekend, except today got a little too emotional for my taste. but other then that, really, i had a great time. tried a few new things, and even though i was nervous, i was pretty happy about it. plus, i didn't puke once! and thats really fantastic for me when booze is involved.
sometimes things that you want are down a pretty rocky path. but, i honestly think that i can figure this out. everything is gonna be fantastic.
i have a lunchable for lunch tomorrow. i'm pretty stoked. :)
|
|
| Battle plans for future histories |
[14 Nov 2009|04:18am] |
|
1993.
“It’s over.” I said.
There was a pause, a rise in the visual intensity level behind her eyes and a swift punch to my jaw.
I walked back to my car sobbing like my lungs were too small. I slammed my fists down and down and down on the steering wheel and screamed to every living thing, “I will never allow myself to be hurt again. I swear to fucking God.”
2001.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes.”
And she walked out. I sat on the armrest of my couch and let the tears slowly run down my face and on to the carpet. I was a sad sight and I knew it. So I set up a camera to capture just how low and pathetic I allowed myself to become.
2002.
“Fuck you,” she said and slammed the door.
I stepped on the gas and thought about racing into oncoming traffic. It would be fast and I’m sure I wouldn’t feel much.
I felt the slow creep of death overtake the next month.
2006.
“One day we will greet each other with a handshake.”
I let go first, held her face and kissed her lips. And walked out.
I never died. The air came to my lungs, the words returned to my fingers and my face repaired itself with a smile.
I rarely bother anyone with the details – I need to know I can do this alone. It tempers me, it makes me stronger. And if I just keep my head down and keep walking, I know – I am absolutely fucking positive – that time will do its job.
I pass people on the street and am certain that each and every last one of them has felt hands squeeze and attempt to crush their motivation, their will to live and the light behind their smile. I know that each and every last one of them has cried over loss.
And I look at each and every last one of them as an example of perseverance and survival.
I am only alive because you still know how to smile.
2009.
DEMONSTRATIVE MONSTERS
pre-sale begins 11.17.09: 3am chicago time. 8pm sydney, australia time. 9am london, england time.
150 copies ever.
hardcover. $60us/67can/72world. ppd.
|
|
| GET IN THE SPACESHIP LOSER, WE'RE GOING SHOPPING. |
[13 Nov 2009|09:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fangirl cray |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
moonwalker credits |
] |
Welcome to my new buddies from Shamone! \o/* (That's right, I put on the glittery glove just for you guys.)
I am still seriously high off of that SPECTACULARLY EPIC VIEWING PARTY, OMG. I need to join in on that action more often. This Is It, then Ghosts, then Captain EO, then Moonwalker, and it's still going? DEAD, I AM DEAD.
Subject line was one of the funniest lines of the entire chat, A+ to whoever coined it. (I also loved, regarding Captain EO, "LOL THE 80SNESS OF THIS. I CANNA TAKE IT." And of course the classic, "Hooter is a life ruiner. HE RUINS LIVES." I was ROFLing all over the damn place. Also, "Mike is just like, bitch, shut up." *dying* And who could forget the realization: "Everyone is SO 80S and MJ is just MJ." Bwahaha, how is that so true? Why was he the only one who wasn't a mess in the '80s? Well, he was a hot mess, but that's different. It's a mystery. A very sparkly mystery.)
I love you guys so much, you have no idea. It's not the best of months in Zellie Land, but stuff like this cheers me up better than actual crack ever could. I'm grinning from ear to ear and giggling like crazy. The way the chat sped up during "Come Together" and could NOT possibly stay in PG-13 territory was stuff of the ages.
In short: *BIG HUGS* to my new friends! It's all about the L.O.V.E here, and anybody from Shamone is always welcome. ♥
ETA: "IS ANYONE ELSE AS DRUNK AS I AM?" Okay, we may have a new winner for Quote of the Night.
|
|
| apologies in advance. |
[11 Nov 2009|03:15am] |
fine. fuck it. youll get me at a moment of weakness.
i can already feel the "you're going to regret this in the morning," but fuck it.
you can sit all day online and read about peoples sadness of breakups. the post sensitive-artist drivel that pours out of their mouths and on to blogs around the world. there certainly is no shortage of that. and god, you certainly dont need to read that. but truthfully, i havent felt much. its as if its not really happening. i havent cried or even felt the urge to. which is strange since i have lost it after ending things with girls i barely even cared about. maybe most of those were about the fear of being alone but i think im actually pretty okay with being with me and my head. and really, i have so many of you to thank for it. the more you go around talking about things, the more you learn coping skills. well, thats what the doctor said on the documentary i watched a few nights ago about people who survived plane crashes. but i think the emotions i placed on breakups back then were really misdirected because i simply didnt want to be alone.
but this time is different. oh, listen to the cliches already.
see, i havent mourned. i havent opened up. every last person who has asked me what happened i have told them, "it was just that time,"... which really is just bullshit. its no reason. its the reason you give when you dont want to go into just how badly the other person wrecked you. when asked, "how are you doing?" i have responded, "im fine," no less than 100 times in the past day.
i truly am stoked that i would have so many people out there willing to listen to me. i am thankful of this every waking hour. but this thing, like all breakups, is done alone. you can talk all you like but no one holds your hand while the thoughts of that person making out with someone new race through your head at 3:18am. no one is there when you realize you will never hear that laugh or feel her hands as she played with your hair or the way she depended on you. because it was awesome that she depended upon you. because it made it feel real. fuck all the psychological bullshit about it being unhealthy, it was rad when she looked to me for advice. it was rad to know someone who truly knew me. me. not the funny me, or the writer me, or the internet me, or the pizza guy me... but the me who likes putting my feet on the bottoms of your feet. the me who would just stare at you from across the room even after three years and just watch you yell at a computer screen and think it was more adorable than kittens. the me who thought you were funnier than anyone and everyone combined. the me who thought you were "cool", like fucking cool. the me who loved the smell of your dirty hair. the me who found it endearing when i saw your dirty underwear. because thats how real it was. more real than any of them combined.
(no offense to those who still read this)
and sure, maybe its fucked up that i still wake up with a smile. i eat just fine and go about my day. i laugh and order food and get tea with friends and shop and my life hasnt missed a beat. not a skip. not a moment staring at a blank wall. and that sucks. because i know what that means. it means that i am not prepared for this type of devastation. my brain and heart have not come up against anything like this and they are shutting down. like preparing for hypothermia, they are shutting down parts of my body to protect my core. but its only a matter of time before the bomb drops. before the cold takes over and i feel it. i know what wreckage feels like and if i hold my breath and pretend its not happening, its not happening. but see i have taken it all and walked away from: 5.5, 3.5, 5, and 3.5 year relationships. yeah, add it up. none. none have come close. none WILL come close to this level of devastation.
you know i talk to girls now and it feels hollow. i say the words and play the game and none of it is real. my mouth moves and my brain is just shaking its head from side to side in disappointment. its all words. its all well put together phrases designed to evoke a response.
wanna see?
"you look adorable today. i love what you did with your eyeshadow." instant smile.
its not a lie... but i know what im doing. i wouldnt say it if i didnt mean it but i also know what emotion it evokes. its like i have been cursed because i have studied how to speak to people, how to captivate peoples attention and how to write the words. again, they arent lies. but they are intentional.
i hate this. right now. i hate the fact that i never had to pull any of that bullshit with her when i did with every last girl i even kissed. and you know, its a fucking embarrassingly long list. and not once, well maybe in the very very beginning, but never did i pull that bullshit with her. you know why, because she called me on it. for all the shit i talked she was beyond brilliant with a bullshit meter that could tell the future. and i needed that. i needed someone to call me on my shit. because no one ever did. and yeah, maybe it was messed up and dysfunctional and messy but fuck it was real.
so ill fall asleep just fine tonight, just like i have for the last week. no worse sleep than usual. no staying up late pouring words into some secret journal. no bad mouthing her to my friends and no spontaneous bursts of sobbing. and thats fucked. because i know its coming. more than it ever has before, its coming... sweet, just in time for my birthday on tuesday, the release of a new book, thanksgiving and maybe even christmas.
so yeah, things are "fine" right now. but they wont be.
hey, you said you wanted to listen.
|
|
|
[11 Nov 2009|01:44am] |
|
I really thought I had a chance. She's the absolute sweetest person I think I've ever met. Lovely enough to give an Eskimo the chills, lead the tundra to melt, and there's no chance on earth for me. It's been so long since I felt like I had for anybody. Although we only knew eachother for a month or so, there was so much there. Though, I can't blame her, he's a good guy; just.. you know. I can't catch a break. She was the one I've been waiting for and now my standards are raised because I've seen the top. I'll continue to wait.
|
|
| the irony of battle plans. |
[09 Nov 2009|06:39pm] |
its funny when even kelly clarkson songs begin to have meaning. its also an interesting time we live in when its not so much the words that cut the cord but the click of the 'relationship status' on facebook profiles.
and just like the one before and the one before and the one before her, i will keep my chin up and maintain a smile because next week wont hurt as bad as this week and next month wont hurt as bad as this month. come summer time this will all be but a faint memory obscured by time and the clarity of black and white.
because this is how its always been.
its the rare instance when time is actually our friend.
single.
please be respectful.
|
|
| oh no, oh Moody... |
[09 Nov 2009|06:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
man in the mirror | michael jackson |
] |
I have just one comment to make regarding last night's episode of Californication...
BRB, DYING OF LOL FOREVER.
Fuck me, thank goodness for this show. I literally choked from laughing.
(Also, this is my first ever .gif! I feel stupidly proud that I actually figured out how to make one, not gonna lie. :D)
|
|
|
[08 Nov 2009|09:45am] |
Becca Rausch: like a cat, pretty but crazy.
...cool.
|
|
| DXS007 update and potential kangaroo sex? |
[07 Nov 2009|11:28pm] |
|
on the off chance you havent been keeping up with the to-dos of my life, well let me tell you about how im putting out a new book next month. NEXT MONTH! this is crazy-talk, chris. well its true. but heres the catch. there will only be 150 of them printed. evar. it will be hardcover and yes, expensive.
but let me tell you how stoked i am on this book. but chris, arent you stoked on all of your books? well, sure. each one is like an illegitimate love-child that i get to share with the world. wait.
anywho, when i meet people and have to have the 'oh, so what do you do?' talk, i say im a writer. to which their immediate response is, "oh, can i have/buy one of your books?" nice that they're interested but i dont really have a book that truly represents the short-story style that im most happy writing.
ok, yes, my first two books (on the upswing, which is sold out and a life deliberate) are that style but they're older and i feel that i am a much better writer than i was back then. dont get me wrong, i love the stories, i just feel that i could have told them better. (but dont let that discourage you from buying one of the last remaining 100 copies of a life deliberate over at deadxstop.com, kisses).
my 3rd book, notes from the deep end is sold out as well, my 4th book, selected works 2004-2008 is awesome and all but its all LJ rants and my newest endeavor, REMNANTS is my proudest yet but i only have one story in the damn thing.
so...
i wanted to write something that i can hand someone without excuses. without having to say, "well, this isnt exactly what i usually do," or, "its sold out," or, "well, this book is like my demo tape."
i cant say the title just yet because i have to make sure i can use this image first because it would work so perfectly with what im looking to do that if the artist wont give me permission im going to change the title of the book. yes, im a nerd. but i will tell you it is 10 stories in the style of my first two books and it will go on pre-sale on my birfday, november 17th.
- and now i will leave you with a video of me running game on some marsupials:
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
0 (0.0%)
